Tomorrow, Jan. 18th, would’ve been my grandpa’s 80th birthday. Would’ve. I still think about him and wonder what it would be like if he were still here. This might’ve been the empty feeling I felt yesterday… maybe. Thinking about it just makes me tear up, sigh.
Honestly, I’m hurt and I feel like I will always be hurt/disappointed. I feel like I didn’t get enough time with him, I didn’t get to know him and we definitely didn’t get to see each other often. Communication was a factor but also the distance. He lived in Kent, I was in Burien. If I could, I would’ve just went to visit him when I had the time or just call to try and have a conversation (if my Vietnamese was more fluent).
I’ve always been jealous of my other cousins who got to surround him constantly, be around him and grow a bond. I barely have pictures with him (actually, I don’t have any pictures of us together…) and sometimes I think that I was too young and naive to cherish my time with him. If my grandparent’s didn’t spontaneously come visit us before they left to Cali that year, it would’ve been months since the last time I saw them and he would’ve left, just like that.
I can’t help but think that I’ve disappointed him in so many ways, gosh. I could go on and on but that will never bring him back. I could complain and wish that I could’ve done this and that but the reality is that I didn’t. That’s just something I have to deal with.
I really miss you, Ong Ngoai…